December
18, 2005--If this web page looks funny, it is because I am using
a new computer and can't quite get Dreamweaver to behave the way
it does on my other computer. My "good," computer is about
to crash. I have tried everything (almost) that I can think of to
get it to straighten up, all to no avail. The only thing I haven't
tried yet is to reinstall the operating system, all the drivers
of stuff I've added to it, and all the programs. That is a huge
job, one I would like to avoid if possible. So Lee and I went out
early yesterday morning and bought the cheapest computer we could
find. Dreamweaver is a memory hog, and this thing isn't built for
that. But at least we can use it, for now. Lee's computer is one
I bought nearly 7 years ago, and I know it's on its last legs too.
I think I'll take my computer to a repair place and see if it is
even worth fixing. I suspect it is a hardware problem.
I "worked," 3 days last week, if you can call it that.
It was not a good week. I just felt generally crappy. Then on Fri.
afternoon, I started having bone pain, presumbably from the Neulasta.
That had happened before, but not since the first injection I got.
That was on Oct. 8th, and the pain started about a week later. This
past Fri. I had to come home, take some vicodin, and a nice long
nap.
As hard as I have tried to maintain a positivie attitude, it seems
like I am wearing down. If I could go to sleep right now and wake
up in 6 weeks, that would be a wonderful thing. But, I have to be
here for these last 2 treatments.
I believe that I mentioned before that Lee and I aren't doing the
Christmas thing this year. I'm not sending out any cards, or buying
presents, etc. I just don't have the energy and motivation. To my
friends and relatives that are reading this, I don't mean to slight
you, and beg your understanding.
Here comes another whine. The acid reflux has come back. I thought
the aloe vera juice was keeping it at bay, and it does seems to
help. But for some reason I can't remember to drink some several
times a day. They told me to expect chemobrain. Wonderful. I just
hope when these treatments are over that I get back the brain I
had, such that it was. At least it was better than this.
I had another set-to with my doctors over my thyroid. The TSH they
took on Dec. 9th was low, but there was a mix-up getting this info
to my primary dr., Thadani. She did get an rx for a smaller dosage
of thryoxine, but I didn't get it filled until Friday. I felt like
my suffering (extreme fatigue,etc.) was all avoidable and it made
me mad as hell. I never would have guessed that I needed a smaller
dosage. I'm sure that the steroid, dexamethasone, causes my entire
endocrine system to become unbalanced. All those hormones affect
each other. Yikes!
December
26, 2005--I think I'm getting to the hard part now. Physically,
I feel more tired than I did in the early weeks of the chemo (except
for the week after the 2nd treatment). Mentally, I seem to be depressed.
It seems like the only thing that keeps me going is that the end
of the treatment is in sight. There are 2 more scheduled, Dec. 30th
and Jan. 20th.
Perhaps the depression has to do with the holidays. I've always
heard that this is a popular time for depression. As mentioned earlier,
we sort of skipped Chrismtas this year. Stefanie did come out Christmas
Eve and spent the night with us. That made me happy. And our older
daughter, Cecily, called on Christmas day. She works retail, so
was not able to take any time off to come home for Christmas.
Lee isn't doing so well either. He has some physical complaints
that need to be addressed and has an appointment with an orthopedist
tomorrow. I'm sure my situation has had a dramatic effect on him.
He has been so good to me, doing the cooking and cleaning. I don't
know what I would do without him. He says I would be starving and
living in filth. Probably so.
I have accepted a different job with a promotion with my employer.
Ordinarily that would be cause for great celebration. I just worry
that I won't be able to do a good job of it until after I have recovered
from the chemo. My new position begins Jan. 9th. This is just not
a good time to be moving out of my comfort zone, but I would be
crazy not to take an advancement when I have the chance. We don't
get many opportunities for advancement here in the Austin office.
It is a huge company, but our office is small, compared to the other
offices around the country. I guess I'm just worried that I will
let my new department down. My health situation is no secret to
anyone there, they have all been aware of it since the get-go. I've
known some of the employees in that department for as long as I've
been with BCBSTX, nearly 13 years. I just have to trust that they
will bear with me until I can get through this ordeal.
The acid reflux has abated for now. I don't know if it is because
of drinking the aloe vera juice or not. But I'm surely going to
continue to use it.
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January 8, 2006--I've
been neglecting this journal. My last chemo was on Dec. 30th and I've
pretty much felt like crap ever since. Physically and mentally I have
been way below par. That was the fifth treatment. I have one left. I
believe that I really am experiencing chemobrain, that I was warned
might occur. It just seems like my thoughts are unclear and I seem to
be depressed, more than I have been through all of this. The only thing
that keeps me going is knowing that the end is in sight. My last chemo
is for Jan. 20th, in 12 days. After that, I calculate that it will probably
take 3-4 weeks after that before I really start to perk up.
Tomorrow I begin my new position at work. To be honest, it is kind of
scary, given the state of my health. I have gained weight since the
chemo started and not many of my clothes fit. This is stressing me out.
I don't feel comfortable going into stores to shop right now. There
is so much sickness around. My own daughter was sick for about 10 days.
I just can't afford to catch whatever is going around, so, aside from
work, I pretty much stay at home. Once I feel like I'm past the dangerous
part, I will gladly go shopping. The ladies in the department where
I work dress professionally. I haven't been able to do that. I guess
I have one suit that fits me, from when I used to be heavier. I hope
they will cut me a little slack in that area. It's kind of embarassing
for me.
I continue to have digestive problems. My esophagus feels raw. I have
used aloe very, as mentioned previously, and have also started to use
Mylanta. It does seem to help some. Another problem now is that food
just doesn't taste right. I can still taste, but not normally. This
is more than annoying. Foods that I used to look forward to eating have
almost no appeal to me now. I had been having liver and onions, but
I don't think I can handle it now.
Although I'm not very enthusiastic about it, I have continued to do
some walking. Most days I probably get in about 20 minutes. I know more
would be better, but I'm just so exhausted all the time that this is
the best I can do. How I look forward to getting back into shape again.
My implant is still uncomfortable. I don't know if that will ever go
away. I will probably have to see a physical medicine dr. when this
is all said and done to see how I can go about getting my strength back
in my arms, chest, back, etc.
February 5, 2006--It
has been awhile since I've done any updates. To those of you who have
looked in on the journal every so often, I apologize. I just haven't
had the energy to work on it. Some days I don't even check my email.
My final chemo treatment was Jan. 20th. I went back to work on Jan.
30th, full time. The 6th one was pretty hard on me. I had such terrible
anxiety, and then steroid induced insomnia. That was horrible. But that
is pretty much over now, although my anxiety level could still use some
improvement. Starting a new job is stressful enough, but put all these
chemicals on top of it, and I'm amazed that I'm still going.
Oddly enough, I didn't have nearly as much digestive distress that I
had with some of the other ones.
On Jan. 26th I went to see radiation oncologist Kirsten Warhoe, M.D.
She convinced me that I need to take a course of radiation treatments,
5 days a week for 6 weeks. So I'm not out of the woods yet. The treatments
will start in 2-3 weeks. No one told me at the get-go that I had inflammatory
breast cancer, but both Dr. Towell and Dr. Warhoe seem to think that
may have been the case. The size of the 3 tumors totaled 4.8 centimeters,
and there were some cancer cells in the skin. Dr. Warhoe says I have
a 30% chance of recurrence without radiation, and a 10% with it. So,
what choice do I have? (rhetorical question)
My head has some hairs trying to grow back now. Most of it is snow white,
and barely visible. My eyebrows and eyelashes are almost all gone and
I still seem to be losing them. The tastebuds are staging a comeback.
That's a good thing. Lee thought it was pretty funny when I made myself
some cinnamon toast and put chili powder on it instead of cinnamon and
couldn't tell the difference. That was a day or 2 after the last chemo.
I've continued to walk some every day, more on weekends. I hope to increase
that as time goes on. I've heard that radiation brings on fatigue, so
we'll see what happens with that.
February 25,
2006--I started radiation treatments on Feb. 19th. I feel a little
sunburned in a few spots, but not bad. I'm supposed to have 33 treatments.
They take place 5 days a week and then I have weekends off. But, at
this point, I have a much larger concern. I'm having anxiety, the likes
of which I have never before experienced. My appetite is about half
of what it normally is. Insomnia is worse. I've discussed this problem
with 3 of my medical doctors. I've also started seeing a psychologist
and a social worker and have an appointment with a psychiatrist the
2nd week of March.
Here is what I think has happened. During chemo I was completely focused
on just getting through that harrowing experience. I don't think I dealt
with the fact that I had cancer. I guess I just handled what I could.
Now, I have all this stuff swept under the rug that has to come out.
Add to that changing jobs, and it equals anxiety. My skin tingles, I
have fine motor tremors. It's not much fun, but professionals keep reassuring
me that it is temporary. God, I hope so
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Colette
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