October 16, 2005--I'm having the willies today. Tomorrow I go back to work, and I can't pretend that I'm not scared. Scared if I can actually get myself up, showered, dressed, and made-up and driven in to town to the office. Lee assurres me that I can do it, and I just have to believe that I can also.
I had a particularly bad day on Friday the 14th. The next day after the chemo infusion, I was given an injection of Neulasta to keep up my white blood cell count. The side effects were mild to moderate bone pain, which I expected to happen, if it did at all, within the first 48 hours or so. After experiencing no difficulties by Tuesday, I thought I was home free on that. Then, on Thursday evening I started feeling strange and having unexplained pains in various places. I was scared silly that I had come down with some kind of an infection, but my temp never got up to the magic 100.5°. I spoke to my oncologist's nurse a couple of times on Friday and she explained to me that I needed to take more pain meds and that the Neulasta really doesn't do anything until the white cell counts start to drop, and then it causes the production of white cells. That is where the pain comes in. By Friday afternoon my sternum and femur bones were throbbing. I took 2 vicodins and the pain subsided. By Saturday it was pretty much under control, and today, Sunday, I have only taken naproxen for pain. Next time I'll know what to expect.
My appetite has stayed good, too good sometimes. I know I have put on weight. Dang, I thought I might lose a few pounds through this ordeal, but it looks like I'm going to have to go on a major weight loss thing when I get through with the treatment. The first day I was off of the steroids, which would have been Tues. the 11th, I was positively ravenous. I was lying on the couch whilst visions of cheeseburgers danced in my head. I can't eat much at one time, but I do eat several times each day. I also continue to take Ativan, which, although a tranquilizer, is also good for nausea, which I really haven't had. I'm assuming the Ativan is addressing that.
My sweet cousin Julie sent me a package with makeup items and a wig. I immediately called her to let her know it had arrived and to express my appreciation for her kindness and support. This experience has aged me about 20 years in the last 3 months, and I'm going to need all this makeup to make myself look human again. My hair hasn't started to fall out yet, but my scalp feels quite strange, itches a lot. I suppose that is to be expected. Although one can always hang on to hope. Julie didn't lose her hair when she was being treated for breast cancer 11 years ago, but she wasn't on the same protocol they have me on. The wig feels odd, if I use it, I'm going to need a little cap to put on under it, for comfort. I may just have to go with scarves.
I missed my group support meeting this past week. My implant was giving me a lot of discomfort that day, and I just couldn't abide the thought of driving 45 minutes through rush hour traffic to get there. I really did hate to miss it, but I did let Ray Ann know that I wouldn't be there. They had asked that we let them know if we had to be absent.
I'll try to keep here a little better than I have been.

October 17, 2005--I don't know why I was so concerned about today. I felt "nearly normal." I told Stefanie that it's been so long since I've felt normal, that I don't quite know what that feels like. But I do believe that today approximated normal. I spent an inordinant amount of time putting on my makeup this morning. Without it, I do look much older and haggard that I did 3 months ago. It was fun to try out the new stuff.
It was good to be at the office, with my work-mates. Perhaps I came on a little more chipper that I actually felt, but that's okay. They always tell you in recovery programs to fake it till you make it. Well, I'm in a recovery program of sorts, even though the 12 steps are not a formal part of it. After working all day, I had the energy to stop off at Target on the way home, and then walked the dog for 30 minutes or so after I got home. It was great. My neighbor, Nelda, went through treatment for lung cancer a few years ago. I got to visit with her for a little while. That woman is such an inspiration to me. She is the only person I know that has beaten lung cancer. Her treatments were much different than mine. She said her infusions took most of an entire day. She would be sick for 3 days every time. Then she would go back to work. I had always known that she was a dynamo, but if there was ever a question about that, her attitude and fortitude through her treatments erased all doubt.

October 20, 2005--The first 3 days of the week went swimmingly. Today started out okay, but around 4:00 this afternoon I started feeling a little rocky. I guess I can't expect to feel wonderful all the time.
I had a visit with my plastic surgeon, Dr. Montero, yesterday, thinking I would get some more saline solution injected into my implant. She thought it would be best to wait another week so that my white cell count would possibly be higher, as it is probably at the nadir right now (lowest point).
Today my hair seems to have decided to give up the ghost. It left like I had an ant hill under my scalp for awhile. I found out my insurance will pay for a wig. Yippee! I called a wig shop and will try to get there tomorrow. I also have to have blood work done tomorrow to see what my counts are.
I had purchased some beef liver from Whole Foods Market and cooked it tonight with onions. That's one of those dishes that people either love or hate. I guess you know where I fit in. It was so good! I hope it tastes as good reheated. My oncologist won't let me take any vitamin A, so I thought this would be a good thing to do. It just seemed like my body was craving all the good stuff that is in liver. I made to sure to get the best I could find, since the liver in regular grocery stores is probably packed with hormones, antibiotics, and God knows what else.