My Breast Cancer Journey

August 13, 2005--These last 2 days have been a bit difficult for me to stay positive. I'm not sure why. I guess the stress of it all is just getting to me. My blood pressure is higher than normal and sometimes I feel like my heart is racing. I've had to take Xanax to help maintain. Oh well, I guess that's why my dr. prescribed it for me.
On a brighter note, I met a couple of friends for lunch today. I hadn't seen either of them in several years. Ann V. and Nan C. They are lots of fun. Here we are:

Ann V., Colette, Nan C.

My cousin Julie called me this evening. It is so good to visit with her. As I've mentioned previously, she had breast cancer 11 years ago. She is an inspiration to me.I am concerned if I am going to feel well enough to exercise while I'm on chemo. Julie bought exercise tapes and did routines at home. Since Stefanie moved out of her room, perhaps I will try doing that there. Julie had axillary lymph nodes removed as well, which causes lymphedma in lot of women, but she kept moving and never got it. Julie also understands about thinking about death. She said of course you think about it. Cancer kills people, after all. We agreed that no one wants us to talk about death. But it is hard to put out of my mind completely.

August 15, 2005--This waiting game is about to drive Lee and me bonkers. I can feel the damned thing growing in me, at least I think I can. Sometimes the seat belt in my car will touch me there and it is sensitive in a way I have never noticed before. I was reading today about Dr. Nielsen, the lady at the South Pole who did her own biopsy and then got some of the people there with her to administer chemo, after the drugs were dropped by planes that couldn't land because of the weather. It was an agressive form of breast cancer. I can't help but wonder if mine is an agressive form. When Dr. Nielsen got home, the cancer had not spread to her lymph system at all. Now that's amazing. My fingers are crossed that I will be as fortunate.
My poor husband has decided this is the time to quit smoking. Now, I don't believe that he has been a heavy smoker, but I don't really know because he doesn't do it in front of me. He has signed up for something called "Committed Quitters," on the internet and sent me an email asking for my understanding and support. I asked him how he was doing and he replied, "crazy." Is this the right time to be doing this? We agreed that there is never going to be a "right," time. I did fuss at him a little last week after smelling smoke on him. "You keep smoking and you're going to get lung cancer." Somehow that seems more real to me now that I have cancer. If it can happen to me, it can happen to anyone.
I got a call tonight from a representative from the law firm we contacted about a possible suit against Wyeth. She told me that my case didn't meet the criteria. I'm pretty sure it is because it has been over 2 1/2 years since I have taken Prempro. This didn't surprise me. Lee and I have bigger fish to fry right now. Perhaps we'll look into it after I have recovered.
I've been experiencing such fatigue. I slept nearly all day Sunday the 14th. And amazingly, had no trouble falling asleep at 11:00 when I went to bed. My friend Helen, who is a psychiatric nurse, tells me that it is not unusual for stress to do that to someone. And to compound matters, things have been very slow for me at work. It makes the day seem like it is 16 hours long

August 16, 2005--Remember that old song, "What a difference a day makes..?" It is so true. I had my consultation with the plastic/reconstructive surgeon today, Dr. Montero. Female physicians are so much easier for me to relate to. (OK, so I ended a sentence with a preposition. So shoot me!) Dr. Montero is a character and I liked her immediately. She carefully explained to me the various kinds of reconstruction she could do, the lat flap, the tram flat, and an implant. After hearing how awful the tram flap is, where muscle and fat are moved from the abdomen to the chest to make a breast, that one was out. The lat flap, which uses muscle and fat from the back would probably leave me unable to resume the type of physical activity I want, or at least hamper it. She said I don't have much fat back there. That left the implant. So, that's what we're going for. Dr. Montero knows Dr. Regan, the surgeon, very well and has worked with him previously. I can't begin to express how much better I feel about the whole thing. Dr. Regan's nurse, Terri, called me later and asked me to come in and see Dr. Regan tomorrow morning. I'm not sure what he wants to discuss, I guess we'll find out. Perhaps he wants to address something that Dr. Montero brought up--a double mastectomy. She says my healthy breast is more at risk now for developing cancer. I hadn't really thought about that. But I have always been horrified at the concept of a prophylatic mastectomy. Of course, I've been wrong about lots of stuff before. So, I'm willing to listen to any suggestions Dr. Regan may have with an open mind.
I had an appointment with Elsa, my hairdresser today. She hadn't heard about my predicament yet. She was shocked, just like everyone else. However, Elsa helped me make a plan concerning my hair. She always sets me up on a 5-week schedule. In 5 weeks, I will probably be about to start chemo. She is going to give me a Sinead O'Conner buzz cut. That way I won't have to see my hair coming out in clumps. Everyone says that is demoralizing. I don't need that!
Dr. Montero seemed quite certain that we can do the surgery next week. OK by me! I think they could have done it this Friday, but I take naproxen for my arthritis and mimimum dose aspirin for stroke prevention. Both of those drugs thin the blood, and that is not a good thing when one is about to have surgery. Dr. Regan says I need to be off of those drugs at least 5 days prior to surgery. My fingers are crossed that we can have it next week.
So, if I hadn't mentioned it earlier, and I haven't, I am a 34DD. The implant is not going to replace that. But that is way too much anyway. If I end up with a C or even B cup I won't mind. Big breasts are not all they're cracked up to be. Dr. Montero can do a reduction mammaplasty on the healthy breast later so it will match. Health insurance pays for that. I may be a bit lopsided for awhile, but I'm sure I can obtain bra inserts to even it out.

August 17, 2005--I feel like a hamster caught in an exercise wheel. Somebody get me off of this thing! Lee and I met with my surgeon, Dr. Regan today. He was delayed by problems in surgery and our 9:30 appointment turned into a 11:30 appointment. Oh well, that's only a minor inconvenience to me. If he needs to take extra time with my surgery, I wouldn't want him to quit before he gets the job properly done. When we did meet, he just went over the procedures as they will be done in order. The radiology plus his part will take about 3 1/2 hours. Then Dr. Montero gets a go at me. God knows how long that will take. I saw Dr. Thadani briefly so she could prescribe some sleeping meds for me. I put in a hellish night last night, waking up numerous times. We'll see how the Ambien™ works tonight.
The ladies at the Breast Cancer Resource Center loaned me a book, Prepare for Surgery, Heal Faster and accompanying audio tape. I read some of the book while we waited for Dr. Regan. It's about relaxation and visualization techniques. At first, I was put off by the New Age bent it seemed to have. Then I realized that if I keep my focus on things of the Lord, that no bad could come of that. Demons are not welcome where the Holy Spirit dwells. We don't have a personal tape player any more, so I went to Best Buy. They actually had one. I told the clerk that I could kiss him for finding it for me. I plan on listening to the tape before the surgery, even right before it. If even half of what the book purports is true, I should have an easier time of it. Stay tuned on that!

1  2  3  4  5  6  7  8  9  10  11  12  Next 
Email Colette
Return to Home Page