August
6, 2005--This has not been one of my better days of late. I didn't feel like
doing much of anything. And, dare I say it, I thought about dying. This is a subject
about which no one wants to hear me speak, so I keep it to myself. At least I
don't know of anyone right off hand with whom I would be comfortable discussing
such a morbid subject. I'm afraid anyone who cares about me would freak out if
I mention my fears. Perhaps I should be seeing a professional, someone who isn't
personally involved with me. If I had the phone number of our EAP at work I would
be calling.
Watching about 3 hours of that silly British comedy Fawlty Towers
did help my mood. Even though I've seen most of them umpteen times, some of the
episodes make me laugh. It felt really good to have a good belly laugh.
Sandy
R. called me today. We had a really nice chat and I am so glad that she did call.
We went to high school together, but have only seen each other a couple of times
since then. Sandy had a cancer scare last year. Praise God that her's was only
a scare, albeit a very real scare. It is good to get reconnected with her. August
7, 2005--As they say, when the going gets tough, the tough go shopping. So
I must be tough, because I came, I saw, I did a little shopping. Fry's. A dangerous
place to be. I am looking at these words on a new 19" flat panel monitor.
Lee wanted to know why. Because I wanted to. End of story. Well, his monitor wheezed
its last yesterday. It had been threatening to do that for awhile. I hooked up
Stefanie's old monitor to it and everything was fine. But she came over for dinner
today and informed me that she is still planning on giving that computer to her
friend Molly. So, clearly we needed another monitor. I got a new one, and hooked
up my old one to his computer. Now we're all happy.
Since I was in the neighborhood,
I stopped in to see my old friend Mrs. P. She is having some health problems,
associated with her advanced age. I wanted to tell her in person about the breast
cancer. Of course, she was quite shocked. Why do I have it? I told her I thought
the HRT had something to do with it. Mrs. P. had a health food store for almost
30 years and she is a veritable encyclopedia of nutritional knowledge. I worked
for her back in the late 70's. It seems, no matter what kind of good care we give
ourselves, stuff still happens. Part of living in a fallen world. Even though
God designed us to be immortal, we kind of screwed that up from the get-go. | August
8, 2005--The word for today is PATIENCE. I thought I was a patient
person, but that patience wore mighty thin today. My day started off trying to
get to work. I was running late anyway, then there was a wreck on my usual route,
so I had to go another way. It took 45 minutes to get there.
My appointment
with Dr. Towell was supposed to be at 11:00 a.m. I was told to get there 20 minutes
early to do the paperwork. Lee met me there a little before 11:00. We sat and
sat. Finally, at about noon, the nurse came and escorted us to an examining room.
Dr. Towell popped in about 20 minutes later. Lee had to leave around 1:00 because
he had a meeting at 1:30. Dr. Towell was amazed that I was seeing her when I hadn't
even seen a radiation oncologist or a reconstructive surgeon yet. It made me realize
that I am going about it bass ackwards. I guess I needed a "breast cancer
care coordinator." How am I supposed to know whom to see in what order? (One
of my many rhetorical questions..) Dr. Towell recommended that I get an MRI of
both breasts right away to help determine what kind of surgery to have. Maybe
it will end up being a mastectomy after all. Then I had to hang around and wait
for the lab tech to draw blood for a couple of tests.
The coup de grace (well,
not really) was the MRI. Now, I've never had one of these things before. I've
discussed them a thousand times with customers, but lacked personal experience.
For those of you unfamiliar with this diagnostic tool, one is placed on a gurney
like thing and moved into a narrow tube, where one must lie motionless for an
eternity. And I am not exaggerating. Plugs are placed in the ears to keep one
from going completely mad. I was on my stomach and my arms were above my head.
When the end finally came (of the procedure, not me), my shoulders were so stiff
I could barely get my arms down. The machine emits a terrible racket. The only
thing that got me through the last 15 minutes or so was continually repeating
the Lord's Prayer and the 23rd Psalm, the Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want..
and thank you Jesus for that!
The trip home was another test. Actually, just
getting out of the office was a test. It was pouring down rain. My umbrella was
in the car, of course. The highway traffic was practically bumper-to-bumper. When
I got to Tumbleweed Hill, it was really slow. I was beginning to feel like I would
never get home.
What I did glean from today's experiences is that I
can do this. I can have the surgery, and endure whatever torture the medical
establishment has devised for me. This is such an emotional roller coaster ride.
But right now, this is where I am.
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