These notes of encouragement and loving support mean the world to me. I've never been a loner. I guess some of the old psychology textbooks would call me "other directed," or more modern ones "co-dependent." Whatever it's called, I need people, just like Barbara Streisand said.

July 28, 2005--In the morning of this day, I went to a State agency to work a health/benefit fair. A representative of the Susan G. Komen organization was at the fair. She was most sympathetic, gave me several pamphlets and a nice big cavas bag in which to keep my printed material that I would accumulate. She suggested that I visit the Breast Cancer Resource Center. At 1:00 p.m. Lee and I met with Dr. Regan again so that he could explain my options. He may as well have been speaking Chinese. This was a classic case of too much information. I told him that, since I was still in a state of shock, that I was comprehending very little of what he said. It boiled down to, I have ductal cancer, invasive, with some lobular features. He said I could have a lumpectomy (he disdained the term as being lay language and not really accurate) followed by chemotherapy and radiation, or I could have a modified radical mastectomy, which would leave the skin of the breast and allow for a reconstruction and held the possibility of not having to have chemo and radiation. . The reconstruction would use lat muscles from the side and back. After we left the hospital, we went directly to the Breast Cancer Resource Center near St. David's hospital in central Austin. On the way there, Lee told me he thought that, although Dr. Regan wouldn't come out and say it, he thinks that the mastectomy would be best, because I might not have to have chemo/radiation. Once there, we met 2 remarkable ladies, Ray Ann and Mary Jo. Ray Ann is a counselor. She is so sweet. She took me into a room, closed the door and showed me her reconstructed breast. I had never seen one before. Ray Ann suggested that I might want to see an oncologist before deciding what type of surgery to have.Mary Jo, who primarily does research there, visited with us also. They are both positive and very sympathetic and understanding. Of course, both are survivors, as are most of the staff there. They invited us to a "Navigating Breast Cancer," seminar for couples to take place the following evening. Yes, we'll be there.

July 29, 2005--I went to work this day, but left early, around 3:00 p.m. Dr. Thadani's office gave me an appointment to see her on Mon. Aug 1st. She has been out of the office on vacation. I need to see what oncologist she might recommend. I've had a couple of recommendations, but would like her opinion. I guess it must be the emotional strain of just learning that I have cancer, but I have been quite fatigued of late. I went home and immediately fell into a deep slumber. Since the diagnosis, every time I wake up to have a hot flash at night, I remember that I have breast cancer. What a jolt. Lee and I went the seminar. Ray Ann and Mary Jo were the facilitators. Also present were an oncology nurse, 2 other couples and an adult daughter of one of the couples, and Ray Ann's husband, Rush. We went around the room introducing ourselves and giving a brief explanation of what was going on with us. I was astonished to hear that one of the wives had had a mastectomy only 1 week earlier. She has inflammatory breast cancer, and didn't have to make any decisions about what kind of surgery to have, mastectomy with no reconstruction. I learned that a reconstruction in this case is not advised because of the likelihood of reoccurence under the reconstructed breast. The other wife is the mother of a young child, and has been trying to determine her best option for several weeks. After our introductions, we were treated to a supper from Jason's Deli. I choose their broccoli cheese soup, always my fave at Jason's. Later, we broke up into a wives group and a husband's group. They were conducted similar to a twelve step group--no cross talk. After each of us took a turn talking about our circumstances and feelings we had a group discussion. Mary Jo explained that the support groups they sponsor generally don't have cross talk. After that, we all watched a short video about a couple out at Horseshoe Bay who have weathered the storm of breast cancer. I think what we both came away with is that it will be a team effort. Lee is my caregiver. I feel that he has already started to assume this role. It is going to get rocky, but I know that he will be there for me.

July 30, 2005--Our daughter Stefanie moved out of our house today. She has rented a cute apartment with a guy friend of hers. She is 22 years old now, and we expected that she would move into her own home sometime. I have ambivalent feelings about it, of course. Perhaps it is best if she isn't under this roof with us when we have to go through the bad stuff. I do want my older daughter, Cecily, to come down from Michigan for a few days when I have the surgery. I don't know if that's doable yet, but will ask her soon. I spent some time with my good friend Debby W. today. She is being very supportive and loving. You just don't know who you really have in your corner until something like this happens. My dear old friend LeeAnne, who lives in K. C., has offered to come down and help out for a few days after Cecily goes home. I'm going to take her up on that offer! Another friend with whom we used to go to church has offered to bring some meals. That's another offer I plan to accept. My friend Helen has really been there for me also. We met for lunch shortly after I discovered the problem. The ladies at work, Anne, Sandi, Amy, Faye, Cyrus, and Susan have been super also. I am so blessed to have such a loving group around me.

July 31, 2005--This not knowing what surgery I'm going to have and whether or not I'll have to take chemo/radiation is maddening. Damn it, I want to be able to think about other things beside myself and my "dis-ease." I'm not at ease, that's for sure. I spoke to my mother-in-law on the phone yesterday. She took the news very hard and couldn't even speak to me at first after my father-in-law told her a few days ago. I guess she has just known so many people who have died of cancer that she thought she was going to lose me to it. I tried to reassure her that I am going to pull through this. Mary C. called this evening. She is an R. N. and had just heard about my predicament through another friend. Although Mary lives about an hour's drive from us, she said if I need her to do anything for me, like wound care, she will be here. Mary makes me laugh. She is wonderful!
Lee has been doing research on the internet about the hormone replacement therapy I took for about 6 years. I was on Prempro until the studies were called off in 2002 because of the deleterious health effects the women were experiencing. He has found information about a class action lawsuit against Wyeth and wants to pursue it. Fine by me. I had shared with him that I just couldn't understand how I could have been such a health/exercise nut, and still get this terrible disease. He said that the HRT was why it could happen. It does make sense to me. If those SOBs have caused my illness, let's go after them.
I talked to Cecily, my older daughter. She should be able to come here for my surgery. She and Steve have a little vacation planned from Aug. 14-16 in Wisconsin. If given a choice, I will try to have the surgery after that.

August 1, 2005-- Lee and I had an appointment with my PCP, Dr. Thadani. She is wonderful. Honestly, her information made me feel so much better. She said that if I had a mastectomy I would more than likely have to have chemo and radiation also. That helped me to decide to go for the lumpectomy with chemo and radiation. The recovery time from a lumpectomy is much shorter. Legions of women have had this treatment and survived to have normal lives again. Just as important, she agreed to refer me to a medical oncologist, Dr. Brenda Towell. Dr. Thadani says that I will get the same treatment no matter which oncologist I choose, and Dr. Towell has a nice "bed-side manner." If she can't see me soon, there are some others to whom she can refer me. Before the appointment I had called my old friend Sue who works at Texas Oncology and got some recommendations from her.

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